A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
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There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes........."See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!
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What's red and sits in the corner?
a baby chewing on razor blades.
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What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.
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What's green and sits in the corner?
The same baby a month later.
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What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal
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What's easier to unload: A truckload of bowling balls orn a truckload of dead babies?
A truckload of dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.
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When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
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What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
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What's red and spins around at 100mph?
A baby that's crawled in after it.
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What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed water-wings.
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Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
He had a javelin through his neck.
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What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
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What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
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What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
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What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
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What's worse than 6 babies in one jar?
One baby in 6 jars...
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What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
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