There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!
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Old teachers never die. They just lose their class.
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Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.
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Silent Class
The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
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How hot is it in Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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English class
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Whiskey and Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
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Vulgar Joke.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"
With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
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Those that can, do.
Those that can't do, teach.
And those that can't teach, administrate.
Submitted by : Fred
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Pupil: "Excuse me, Sir, but I don't think I deserve a mark of zero for this exam paper."
Teacher: "Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give."
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The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."
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"You never get anything right," complained the teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?"
"Well I want to be the weather girl on TV."
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WHEN I FIRST STARTED COLLEGE...
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."
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"What do you do?" a man asked a pretty girl at a party. "I'm an infant teacher."
"Good gracious! l thought you were at least 26."
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Old teachers never die, they just grade away.
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In college I'm studying Pharmacy - because I've always wanted to be a farmer.
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In school I was the teacher's pet.
She couldn't afford a dog.
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My parents sent me to boarding school so that they wouldn't have to help me with my homework.
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Teacher: Billy, why have you not given me your homework?
Billy: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.
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Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Son: Underwater.
Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Son: Below "C" level.
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Old Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
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Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'".
Pupil: "I is-"
Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'."
Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'."
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Teacher: "What is the outer part of a tree called?"
Pupil: "I don't know sir."
Teacher: "Bark, boy bark."
Pupil: "Woof-woof."
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Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They're all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They're all under C level.
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