Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.
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A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
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A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!
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Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole
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The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...
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The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."
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There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
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I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...
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Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.
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One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
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Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
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After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
DownYou know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on wednesday nights, and so does she.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
1 point
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards!!!
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The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."
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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
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Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
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If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?
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John: "I'm a man of few words."
Bill: "I'm married, too."
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle
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Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ;-)
(OK, it may be poor taste but it made me smile... Lano )
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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." (Guys take note!)
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Kimberley Broyles
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First Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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Careful what you wish for : )
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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