Funny Humour

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm

still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great

it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was

supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art

method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but

he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never

sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on

the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to

take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was

crippled."

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Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl

to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes

into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he

kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be

strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering

in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we

had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I

love you too!!"

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Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening

to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who

want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you

sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause

we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language

in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there

for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want

you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with

his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All

passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope

your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask

you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no

smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The

little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,

"Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray,

and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out

and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

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On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
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The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"