A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly
said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled
again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a
half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol
from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me
and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding
night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever
conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,
"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"
Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get
hiccups when I do it that way."
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Elderly Couple
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th
wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth
child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that
all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused
for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit
him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to
muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
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Sharing a Meal
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The
little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a
sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over
to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were
used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were
used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth".
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Don`t Lie To Me
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home.' Where have you been?!' Demanded his wife when he entered the
house. The man was suddenly struck with remorse at the way he had betrayed
this woman he loved.' Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary; and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell
asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.' The wife looked devastated,
and glanced down at his shoes.' You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf!'
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Young Couple
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their
honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way
to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires,
"What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast,
but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says,
"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on
up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off
they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife
crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same
thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I
just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come
back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to
the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his
new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and
WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are
you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.
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Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you
to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not
be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that
nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He
walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then
tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets
matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets
a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband
has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet.
The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot
even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the
cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not
going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets
really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not
be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!
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