Boy friend & girl friend Humour

Boy Clown : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink...

Girl Clown : Why not ??

Boy Clown : I’m broke.

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Boy Clown : May I hold your hand??
Girl Clown : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

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Girl Clown : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
Boy Clown : What time was it??

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Girl Clown : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy Clown : Okay, "You love me"

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Girl Clown : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy Clown : Sure, what’s your phone number??

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Girl Clown : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
Boy Clown : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple..

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Girl Clown : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so

overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..
Boy Clown : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…

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Girl Clown : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
Boy Clown : Don’t you ever want to improve??

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Boy Clown : I love you! I love you so much, I could die for you!
Girl Clown : How soon??

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Boy Clown : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl Clown : Yes, but would you stay there??

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Boy Clown : You remind me of the sea.
Girl Clown : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Boy Clown : NO, because you make me sick.

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Girl Clown : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think,?
Boy Clown : I agree with both. You’re pretty ugly.

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Boy Clown : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably
seated.
Girl Clown : So what do you do?
Boy Clown : I close my eyes.


When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the

simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.

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You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his

car for a couple of days.

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Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought

they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.

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What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.

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Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

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Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to

marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.

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When I asked my girlfriend if I could see her home she handed me a picture

of it.


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My girlfriend just saved me a lot of money - she married someone else.

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If my girlfriend said what she thought she'd be completely speechless.

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One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked

around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked

the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit

Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships

make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.

Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the

highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.

Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much

to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one

other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to

understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she

temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what

makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes

or four?"

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Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.

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Boyfriend: Is that a new perfume I smell?
Girlfriend: It is, and you do!

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My girlfriend phoned me and said.. "Come on over there's nobody home." I

went over. Nobody was home!

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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an

affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask

which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know

them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the

drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the

car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went

beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I

checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep downI

just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I

decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of

the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst

crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I

buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

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Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a

beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a

charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will

see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see

this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The

girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have

money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.
At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and

are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are

tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get

registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they

head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was

built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."


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Why are great girlfriends hard to find?
Because the right girls are like parking spaces - all the best ones are

taken and the ones available are handicapped.

Animal Humour

Two Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one

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A Horse Walks Into A Bar

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"
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Surprise

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"
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Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
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Bear Advisory

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

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One Talented Hamster

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
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Why do bears have fur coats ?

Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !

What should you call a bald teddy ?
Fred bear !

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
A little bear !

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ?
It lives on ice !

Have you ever hunted bear ?
No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts !

What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?
Tagliateddy !

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo ?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema !

What is a bear's favourite drink ?
Koka-Koala !
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The lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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The rabbit and the snake

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

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Department of fish and wildlife warning

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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Is that your dog?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Anger Humour

ANGER
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"


A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and kissing women." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...

... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."


A young boy went to his father and asked: "Why do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'"

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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

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80-year old Metzenbaum invested in one of those tiny hearing aids to correct his hearing loss. On his next visit to the doctor, he asked, "Well, how do you like your hearing aid?"
"I love it. I am hearing sounds that I didn't know existed."
"I'm sure your family loves it too!"
"Well, I haven't told them yet. And, am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."
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A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

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Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, “Let
not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

“Now, Charlie,” she pleaded, “are you going to let the sun go down on
your wrath?”

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

“Well, how can _I_ stop it?”

When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife’s.

It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
bigger.

Couples Humour

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic

tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter

was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the

Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly

said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled

again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a

half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol

from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me

and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An

earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to

concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and

pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding

night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever

conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,

"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"

Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get

hiccups when I do it that way."

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Elderly Couple

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th

wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is

something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth

child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful

experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that

all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused

for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit

him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to

muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

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Sharing a Meal

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter

evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples

eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for

60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order

with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table

near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The

little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed

one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a

sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get

restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old

couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over

to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the

old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were

used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She

just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns

sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him

buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were

used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a

napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their

table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he

finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is

it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

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Don`t Lie To Me

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made

passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell

asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told

the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and

dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and

drove home.' Where have you been?!' Demanded his wife when he entered the

house. The man was suddenly struck with remorse at the way he had betrayed

this woman he loved.' Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an

affair with my secretary; and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell

asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.' The wife looked devastated,

and glanced down at his shoes.' You lying bastard! You've been playing

golf!'

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Young Couple

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their

honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way

to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires,

"What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast,

but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says,

"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on

up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off

they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife

crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same

thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I

just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come

back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to

the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his

new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and

WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are

you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.


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Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you

to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not

be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that

nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He

walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then

tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets

matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets

a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband

has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet.

The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it

then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot

even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the

cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not

going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets

really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not

be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!

Education Humour

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!
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Old teachers never die. They just lose their class.

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Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.

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Silent Class

The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

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How hot is it in Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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English class

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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Whiskey and Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"

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Vulgar Joke.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
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Those that can, do.
Those that can't do, teach.
And those that can't teach, administrate.

Submitted by : Fred
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Pupil: "Excuse me, Sir, but I don't think I deserve a mark of zero for this exam paper."
Teacher: "Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give."

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The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."
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"You never get anything right," complained the teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?"
"Well I want to be the weather girl on TV."

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WHEN I FIRST STARTED COLLEGE...

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."
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"What do you do?" a man asked a pretty girl at a party. "I'm an infant teacher."
"Good gracious! l thought you were at least 26."

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Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

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In college I'm studying Pharmacy - because I've always wanted to be a farmer.

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In school I was the teacher's pet.
She couldn't afford a dog.

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My parents sent me to boarding school so that they wouldn't have to help me with my homework.

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Teacher: Billy, why have you not given me your homework?
Billy: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.

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Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Son: Underwater.
Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Son: Below "C" level.

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Old Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

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Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'".
Pupil: "I is-"
Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'."
Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'."

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Teacher: "What is the outer part of a tree called?"
Pupil: "I don't know sir."
Teacher: "Bark, boy bark."
Pupil: "Woof-woof."

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Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They're all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They're all under C level.

Lawyer Humour

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

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Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and

steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog

running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right

to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,

"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me

today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The

butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a

consultation.
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Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel:

"Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we

won."
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Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were

going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.

Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet,

the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.

This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being

conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies

won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't

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Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin

crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an

emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was

buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still

going around passing out business cards."

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Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. "Listen honey,"

she said, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."

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A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was

escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so

he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."

Restaurant Humour

RESTAURANT JOKE
A man decides to eat in a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the

waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a

prickly black hair inside of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the

waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going

on back there!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and the man witnesses the cook

taking a meat patty and flattening it under his armpit. He says, "That's

disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "If you think that's disgusting you should see him make

donuts."

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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be

at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies,

"Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles

and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs..."

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Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two

fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help

yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After

a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first

choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you

complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

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The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn

jeans and a leather jacket approached him. "Hey, man," he said, "where's the

toilet?" "Go down the hall and turn left, "replied the headwaiter. "When you see

the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in."

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Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve

anyone, sir! Come on in!


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What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!

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I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French

Toast during the Renaissance.

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There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!

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Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home


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