Lawyer Humour

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

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Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and

steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog

running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right

to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,

"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me

today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The

butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a

consultation.
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Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel:

"Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we

won."
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Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were

going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.

Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet,

the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.

This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being

conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies

won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't

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Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin

crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an

emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was

buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still

going around passing out business cards."

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Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. "Listen honey,"

she said, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."

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A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was

escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so

he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."