Boy friend & girl friend Humour

Boy Clown : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink...

Girl Clown : Why not ??

Boy Clown : I’m broke.

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Boy Clown : May I hold your hand??
Girl Clown : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

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Girl Clown : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
Boy Clown : What time was it??

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Girl Clown : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Boy Clown : Okay, "You love me"

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Girl Clown : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Boy Clown : Sure, what’s your phone number??

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Girl Clown : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
Boy Clown : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple..

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Girl Clown : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so

overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..
Boy Clown : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…

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Girl Clown : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
Boy Clown : Don’t you ever want to improve??

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Boy Clown : I love you! I love you so much, I could die for you!
Girl Clown : How soon??

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Boy Clown : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl Clown : Yes, but would you stay there??

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Boy Clown : You remind me of the sea.
Girl Clown : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Boy Clown : NO, because you make me sick.

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Girl Clown : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think,?
Boy Clown : I agree with both. You’re pretty ugly.

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Boy Clown : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably
seated.
Girl Clown : So what do you do?
Boy Clown : I close my eyes.


When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the

simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.

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You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his

car for a couple of days.

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Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought

they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.

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What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.

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Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

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Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to

marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.

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When I asked my girlfriend if I could see her home she handed me a picture

of it.


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My girlfriend just saved me a lot of money - she married someone else.

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If my girlfriend said what she thought she'd be completely speechless.

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One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked

around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked

the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit

Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships

make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.

Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the

highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.

Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much

to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one

other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to

understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she

temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what

makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes

or four?"

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Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.

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Boyfriend: Is that a new perfume I smell?
Girlfriend: It is, and you do!

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My girlfriend phoned me and said.. "Come on over there's nobody home." I

went over. Nobody was home!

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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an

affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask

which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know

them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the

drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the

car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went

beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I

checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep downI

just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I

decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of

the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst

crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I

buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

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Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a

beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.
Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a

charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will

see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."
So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see

this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The

girlfriends laugh and move off.
On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have

money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.
At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and

are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are

tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get

registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they

head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was

built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."


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Why are great girlfriends hard to find?
Because the right girls are like parking spaces - all the best ones are

taken and the ones available are handicapped.

Animal Humour

Two Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one

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A Horse Walks Into A Bar

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"
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Surprise

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"
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Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
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Bear Advisory

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

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One Talented Hamster

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
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Why do bears have fur coats ?

Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?
A teddy boar !

What should you call a bald teddy ?
Fred bear !

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
A little bear !

Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet ?
It lives on ice !

Have you ever hunted bear ?
No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

How do you hire a teddy bear?
Put him on stilts !

What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?
Tagliateddy !

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo ?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema !

What is a bear's favourite drink ?
Koka-Koala !
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The lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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The rabbit and the snake

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

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Department of fish and wildlife warning

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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Is that your dog?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Anger Humour

ANGER
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"


A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and kissing women." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...

... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."


A young boy went to his father and asked: "Why do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'"

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Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

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80-year old Metzenbaum invested in one of those tiny hearing aids to correct his hearing loss. On his next visit to the doctor, he asked, "Well, how do you like your hearing aid?"
"I love it. I am hearing sounds that I didn't know existed."
"I'm sure your family loves it too!"
"Well, I haven't told them yet. And, am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."
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A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

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Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to
re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, “Let
not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

“Now, Charlie,” she pleaded, “are you going to let the sun go down on
your wrath?”

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

“Well, how can _I_ stop it?”

When a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife’s.

It is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the
bigger.

Couples Humour

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic

tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter

was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the

Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly

said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled

again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a

half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol

from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me

and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An

earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to

concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and

pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding

night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever

conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,

"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"

Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get

hiccups when I do it that way."

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Elderly Couple

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th

wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is

something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth

child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful

experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that

all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused

for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit

him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to

muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, "You."

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Sharing a Meal

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter

evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples

eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for

60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order

with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table

near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The

little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed

one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a

sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get

restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old

couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over

to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the

old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were

used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She

just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns

sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him

buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were

used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a

napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their

table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he

finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is

it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

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Don`t Lie To Me

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made

passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell

asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told

the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and

dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and

drove home.' Where have you been?!' Demanded his wife when he entered the

house. The man was suddenly struck with remorse at the way he had betrayed

this woman he loved.' Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an

affair with my secretary; and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell

asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.' The wife looked devastated,

and glanced down at his shoes.' You lying bastard! You've been playing

golf!'

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Young Couple

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their

honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way

to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires,

"What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast,

but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says,

"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on

up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off

they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife

crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same

thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I

just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come

back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to

the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his

new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and

WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are

you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.


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Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you

to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not

be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that

nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He

walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then

tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets

matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets

a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband

has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet.

The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it

then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot

even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the

cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not

going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets

really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not

be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!

Education Humour

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!
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Old teachers never die. They just lose their class.

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Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties.

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Silent Class

The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

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How hot is it in Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

English class

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whiskey and Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"

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Vulgar Joke.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Those that can, do.
Those that can't do, teach.
And those that can't teach, administrate.

Submitted by : Fred
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pupil: "Excuse me, Sir, but I don't think I deserve a mark of zero for this exam paper."
Teacher: "Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give."

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The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You never get anything right," complained the teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?"
"Well I want to be the weather girl on TV."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHEN I FIRST STARTED COLLEGE...

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you do?" a man asked a pretty girl at a party. "I'm an infant teacher."
"Good gracious! l thought you were at least 26."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In college I'm studying Pharmacy - because I've always wanted to be a farmer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In school I was the teacher's pet.
She couldn't afford a dog.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My parents sent me to boarding school so that they wouldn't have to help me with my homework.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Billy, why have you not given me your homework?
Billy: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Son: Underwater.
Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Son: Below "C" level.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'".
Pupil: "I is-"
Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'."
Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "What is the outer part of a tree called?"
Pupil: "I don't know sir."
Teacher: "Bark, boy bark."
Pupil: "Woof-woof."

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Father: Well son, how are your exam results?
Son: They're all under water
Father: What do you mean?
Son: They're all under C level.

Lawyer Humour

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

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Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and

steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog

running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right

to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,

"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me

today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The

butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a

consultation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel:

"Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we

won."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were

going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.

Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet,

the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.

This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being

conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies

won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyers on a flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin

crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an

emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was

buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still

going around passing out business cards."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer Joke

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. "Listen honey,"

she said, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was

escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so

he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."

Restaurant Humour

RESTAURANT JOKE
A man decides to eat in a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the

waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a

prickly black hair inside of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the

waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going

on back there!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and the man witnesses the cook

taking a meat patty and flattening it under his armpit. He says, "That's

disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "If you think that's disgusting you should see him make

donuts."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be

at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies,

"Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles

and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two

fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help

yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After

a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first

choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you

complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn

jeans and a leather jacket approached him. "Hey, man," he said, "where's the

toilet?" "Go down the hall and turn left, "replied the headwaiter. "When you see

the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve

anyone, sir! Come on in!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French

Toast during the Renaissance.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home


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Wedding Humour

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.
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A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
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A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

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Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!

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Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole
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The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...

Free Business Cards
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

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There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

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Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

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One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

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Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

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After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

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Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


DownYou know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on wednesday nights, and so does she.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
1 point

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards!!!

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The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

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Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

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If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle

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Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ;-)
(OK, it may be poor taste but it made me smile... Lano )

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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." (Guys take note!)

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Kimberley Broyles

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Careful what you wish for : )
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Religion Humour

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
------------------------------------------------------------


GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."



--------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?

A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

----------------------------------------------------------

SEX ON THE SABBATH

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

--------------------------------------------------------------
THE HAIR CUT

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".

The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"

To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

Crazy Humour

Funny Humour

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm

still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great

it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was

supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art

method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but

he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never

sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on

the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to

take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was

crippled."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl

to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes

into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he

kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be

strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering

in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we

had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I

love you too!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening

to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who

want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you

sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause

we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language

in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there

for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want

you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with

his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All

passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope

your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask

you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no

smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The

little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,

"Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray,

and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out

and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
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The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

Baby Humour

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
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There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes........."See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!
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What's red and sits in the corner?
a baby chewing on razor blades.
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What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.
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What's green and sits in the corner?
The same baby a month later.
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What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal
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What's easier to unload: A truckload of bowling balls orn a truckload of dead babies?
A truckload of dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.
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When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
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What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
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What's red and spins around at 100mph?
A baby that's crawled in after it.
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What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed water-wings.
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Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
He had a javelin through his neck.
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What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
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What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
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What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
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What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
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What's worse than 6 babies in one jar?
One baby in 6 jars...
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What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.