A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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A lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle."
The lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!"
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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.
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Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.
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BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.
What is a chastity belt?
A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.
DURING THE PREGNANCY:
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
What are forceps?
Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
AFTER THE PREGNANCY:
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.
Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.
The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.
After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.
It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
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The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
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"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.
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The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!"
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The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"
The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"
The nurse replied, "Denephew!"
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Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."
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