Policeman Humour

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake His wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then,

His wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?
I`ve got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling His way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren`t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.


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More police quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the sergeant, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the sergeant?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

Cop And Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" Asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"

"Yes".

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it...

* "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out"
* "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses"
* "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity"
* "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO"
* "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal"
* "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car"
* "I'm a member of the Royal Family"
* "I was trying to get away from the car following me"
* "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then"
* "I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward"
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No Escape
From Colin Johnson

A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.

Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?"
Driver (sweating): "Yes I did."
Officer: "So why did you speed up then?"
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"