Family Humour

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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Daddy Is Home
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
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FAMILY HISTORY

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone
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A Mother's Worst Nightmare.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made
and everything picked up. Then she saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed
"Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom, It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding
real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings and
tattoos. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we
will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends
in order to make a nice little living for ourselves. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure
deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to
take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith

PS : Mom, none of
the above is true. I'm over at Jessica's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home.
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The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes.
Erma Bombeck


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Why ARE Men Happier?

Men are just happier people because, if you are a man:
Your last name stays put.
Your garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress=$5000. Tux rental=$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes of one color are good for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in just 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

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Let's see if I understand how the world works lately..

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at
work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving
home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you
blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the
passengers kill him instead, the mother of the
deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as
it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in
front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay?
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Family problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said:

"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"