2. You play the lottery to ensure housing, not win money.
3. No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic non-aspirin.
4. You need a map to find your classroom.
5. You're grateful that the cafeteria labels the food.
6. It's not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall.
7. You plan your schedule to have Fridays off.
8. You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious creeping crud.
9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you after four months.
[Editor's Note: And you know you're a college *graduate* when you wish you had those books *back*. ]
10. The word rush does not mean to be in a hurry.
11. You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have to wash your clothes often.
12. You're willing to pay extra for edible food.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ University Light Bulb Jokes
How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb? 1, but it never really gets done. He holds the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Ryerson isn't a real university.
How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.
How many U of T students does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1. But he gets 6 credits for it.
How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Sudbury looks better in the dark.
How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. One to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out How to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuclear-lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
How many Western students does it to change a lightbulb? 5. One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect JCREW outfit to wear for the occasion.
How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly How he did it as well as any Queen's student.
How many Carleton students does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. One to change the bulb and one to complain about How, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't go out
How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. But SHE can't do it on Friday night.
How many Brock students does it take to change a lightbulb? 7. One to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb? 7. One to screw it in and 6 to figure out How to power it on manure.
How many Mt.Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. One to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.
How many UVic students does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Llava lamps don't burn out man!
How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb? 4. One to do it and three to translate the instructions.
How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them. They make it a campus affair.
How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a lightbulb? There's a university in Manitoba?
How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. One to take directions from the science student, the science student and one to philosophise about life as a lightbulb.
How many University of Ottawa students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1. She screws everything why not a light bulb?
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake His wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then,
His wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I`ve got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling His way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren`t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the sergeant, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the sergeant?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
Cop And Monkey A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" Asked the officer.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes".
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes".
"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"
"Yes".
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it...
* "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out" * "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses" * "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity" * "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO" * "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal" * "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car" * "I'm a member of the Royal Family" * "I was trying to get away from the car following me" * "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then" * "I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward" --------------------------------------------------- No Escape From Colin Johnson
A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.
Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?" Driver (sweating): "Yes I did." Officer: "So why did you speed up then?" Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Daddy Is Home Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FAMILY HISTORY
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Mother's Worst Nightmare.
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made and everything picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings and tattoos. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends in order to make a nice little living for ourselves. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jessica's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes. Erma Bombeck
Men are just happier people because, if you are a man: Your last name stays put. Your garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress=$5000. Tux rental=$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes of one color are good for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in just 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's see if I understand how the world works lately..
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Family problems
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
SURVEYING THE FORMER PRESIDENT An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Former US President Bill Clinton?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A TALE OF TWO PIGS
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.
At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICS ON THE FARM Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."
"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"
"Of course" says the first.
The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"
"absolutely"
"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"
"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONE WINTER MORNING
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ELEMENTARY, MR PRESIDENT
One day George Bush is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"
The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."
Bush responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."
This time Bush says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Bush asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.
The kid responds, "If you and Dick Chenney are on Air Force One and it crashes."
"Right!" says Bush to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"
Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."
A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
A lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle."
The lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!"
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work.
What is a chastity belt? A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? Your therapist.
DURING THE PREGNANCY: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? If it's the flu, you'll get better.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Childbirth.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? Depends on what you're doing with them.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural? Right after you find out your pregnant.
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
What are forceps? Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids? Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
AFTER THE PREGNANCY: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? When it's a girl, for starters.
Where is the best place to store breast milk? In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples? Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos? Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex? The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower? Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues? Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic? A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors? Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? Yes, pregnancy.
Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.
The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.
After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.
It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby. -------------------------------------------------------------- The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"
The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"
The nurse replied, "Denephew!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
A Distinct Lack Of Imagination There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband: - Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet.
Two friends: - Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come? - Of course! How many people are coming? - Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
A little boy asked his mother: - Mummy, why are you white and I am black? - Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
One woman stops a taxi. - To the airport, please. After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: - You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. - Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant. - Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.
One man calls emergency: - Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: - It is OK, I found another one.
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto: - Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls. - You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it. After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio: - Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls? - Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Morning after
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dog named "sex"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex." He is a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then, I said "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Revolutionary inventors
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drilling rights
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychology Major
A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!"
Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations."
The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"
Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. The next morning the three woman meet in the hall and decide to have breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride, not surprised at all, proudly takes her turn at once, "Mhuh... my husband put his whole arm inside me!" Then, both women look at the third one who, although moving very clumsily, stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body, looks down on her hip and cries out to it, "Hey John, come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!"
Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little boy's frog There was a 12 year old boy named David. He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman. There was one woman who had herpes. But, she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her.
Well, one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house. When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes. Looking astonished the woman agrees.
An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave. He is still carrying his frog. The woman, curious, asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog.
The little boy responded and said, "Well if you must know, when my mom and dad go out tonight they're going to leave me at home with the babysitter, who is very fond of little boys. When my mom and dad get home, dad will drive the babysitter home and he'll have a quickie with her, then he'll come back home and screw my mom, then in the morning when my dad goes to work, my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog!"
Heard a good dirty, raunchy, lewd, or totally inappropriate joke you want to submit? Check our Jokes & Stories board!
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DAY ON THE SICK
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:
Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------- In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------ In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------- In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep." John Fiebig ---------------------------------------------------------------- "I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids." Unknown ---------------------------------------------------------------- The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Yes," she replied. "But not the same ones." David Finkelstein ---------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday school presentation. His mother was in the front row to prompt him. She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Her son's memory was blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world." The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world." Bits and Pieces, 1989 ---------------------------------------------------------------- A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word Mother Unknown ---------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
A Voice in the Darkness The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl contenders." Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
It's a Wonder Why do SanDiego Chargers players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards? So they can park in the handicap spaces.
Kissin' Cousins What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
Grounded Why did the NY Jets players miss their flight for the big game? They were stuck on a broken escalator!
Hit and Run If you see a Oakland Raiders fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him? It could be your bike.
A Day at the Beach What do you get if you see a New England Patriots fan buried up to his neck in sand? More sand!
No Way Out You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of Denver Broncos. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the Bronco’s fan… twice.
On the Bright Side What do you call a Buffalo Bill’s fan with half a brain? Gifted!
Playing Possum Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Licking the Problem What did the average Sanfransico 49er player get on his Wonderlic test? Drool!
Higher Education What does the N stand for on the sides of the nebraska football helmets? Knowledge!
Low Blow
Q : What's the best way to circumsize a Virginia Tech fan?
A : Kick his sister in the chin.
Southern Fun
Q : Why do Miami Cheerleaders wear panties?
A : To keep their ankles warm.
Safety First
Q: How do Seminoles practice safe sex?
A: They get rid of all the animals that kick.
Efficiency
Why did UT choose Orange for the team color?
So the fans could wear it on Saturday to the game, on Sunday to go
hunting, and the rest of the week picking up garbage on the highways.
Differences
Q. What's the difference between a winning Raiders team and a UFO?
A. Someone has seen a UFO.
Shiney Ring
Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief
Desire
Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.
Field Location
Q. What do you call Bears quarterback on the Colts' 10-yard line?
A. Lost
More Differences
What's the difference between a Raiders fan and a Chimp?
Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a Chimpanzee.
Lights Out
How do you knock out a Raiders fan when he's been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
Similarities
What do Raiders fans and laxatives have in common?
Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.
Employment
What do you say to a Raiders fan with a job?
"I'll have a Big Mac, fries and a coke, please."
Time for change
Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Weather Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!
What tea do footballers drink ? Penaltea !
Where do footballers dance ? At a football !
What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !
What is black and white and black and white and black and white ? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill !
What are Brazilian fans called ? Brazil nuts !
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !
What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ? Cornflakes !
Which football team loves ice-cream ? Aston Vanilla !
What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !
