Wedding Humour

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.
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A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
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A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
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There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

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Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!

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Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole
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The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...

Free Business Cards
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

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There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
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I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

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Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

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One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

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Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

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After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

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Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


DownYou know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on wednesday nights, and so does she.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
1 point

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom upwards!!!

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The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."

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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."

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Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

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If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

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John: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "I'm married, too."

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle

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Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ;-)
(OK, it may be poor taste but it made me smile... Lano )

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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." (Guys take note!)

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Kimberley Broyles

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First Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"


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Careful what you wish for : )
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Religion Humour

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
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GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."



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Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?

A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

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SEX ON THE SABBATH

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

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THE HAIR CUT

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".

The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"

To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

Crazy Humour

Funny Humour

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm

still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great

it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was

supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art

method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but

he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never

sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on

the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to

take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was

crippled."

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Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl

to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes

into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably

spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he

kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be

strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering

in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we

had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I

love you too!!"

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Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening

to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who

want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you

sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause

we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language

in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there

for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want

you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with

his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All

passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope

your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask

you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no

smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The

little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,

"Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray,

and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out

and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

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On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
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The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"

Baby Humour

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
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There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes........."See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!
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What's red and sits in the corner?
a baby chewing on razor blades.
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What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.
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What's green and sits in the corner?
The same baby a month later.
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What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal
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What's easier to unload: A truckload of bowling balls orn a truckload of dead babies?
A truckload of dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.
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When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
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What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
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What's red and spins around at 100mph?
A baby that's crawled in after it.
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What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed water-wings.
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Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway?
He had a javelin through his neck.
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What's black and bobs up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
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What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
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What squeals and goes around at 100mph?
A baby in an electric fan.
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What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
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What's worse than 6 babies in one jar?
One baby in 6 jars...
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What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

University Humour

University Jokes

You Know You're a College Student When ...

1. Going to the library is a social event.

2. You play the lottery to ensure housing, not win money.

3. No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic
non-aspirin.

4. You need a map to find your classroom.

5. You're grateful that the cafeteria labels the food.

6. It's not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall.

7. You plan your schedule to have Fridays off.

8. You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious
creeping crud.

9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you
after four months.

[Editor's Note: And you know you're a college *graduate* when you
wish you had those books *back*. ]

10. The word rush does not mean to be in a hurry.

11. You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have
to wash your clothes often.

12. You're willing to pay extra for edible food.


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University Light Bulb Jokes

How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, but it never really gets done. He holds the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Ryerson isn't a real university.

How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.

How many U of T students does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1. But he gets 6 credits for it.

How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Sudbury looks better in the dark.

How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. One to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out How to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuclear-lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

How many Western students does it to change a lightbulb?
5. One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect JCREW outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly How he did it as well as any Queen's student.

How many Carleton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change the bulb and one to complain about How, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't go out

How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. But SHE can't do it on Friday night.

How many Brock students does it take to change a lightbulb?
7. One to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb?
7. One to screw it in and 6 to figure out How to power it on manure.

How many Mt.Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. One to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.

How many UVic students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Llava lamps don't burn out man!

How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
4. One to do it and three to translate the instructions.

How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them. They make it a campus affair.

How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a lightbulb?
There's a university in Manitoba?

How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
3. One to take directions from the science student, the science student and one to philosophise about life as a lightbulb.

How many University of Ottawa students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. She screws everything why not a light bulb?

Policeman Humour

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake His wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then,

His wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?
I`ve got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling His way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren`t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.


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More police quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the sergeant, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the sergeant?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

Cop And Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" Asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes".

"What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?"

"Yes".

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it...

* "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out"
* "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses"
* "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity"
* "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO"
* "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal"
* "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car"
* "I'm a member of the Royal Family"
* "I was trying to get away from the car following me"
* "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then"
* "I was trying to make up the hour we lost when the clocks went forward"
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No Escape
From Colin Johnson

A man is driving his car on the motorway when suddenly he sees a police car loom up behind him in his mirror. He immediately puts his foot down, reaching 60 mph, then 90 mph then finally 120 mph! Finally the police car catches up with him and he is forced to pull over.

Officer: "Didn't you see me in the mirror?"
Driver (sweating): "Yes I did."
Officer: "So why did you speed up then?"
Driver (looking nervously into the police car): "Well officer, my wife ran off with a policeman a week ago... I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"